Our story of infertility, loss, and the birth of our babies

I am so sad for one of my best friends today because she lost her baby this morning at 8 weeks.  I know her pain, and he kills me to know that she had to experience the loss and pain of losing a child.  No words can comfort them right now, but I hope in time that it gets easier to accept and the pain dulls. 


I figured it was time to post our story from my other blog that I had regarding our infertility struggles, the loss of one of our children, and the birth of our other children.   Here is the link:


http://www.freewebs.com/thelightsivfbabies/index.htm



I still have good days and bad days regarding how hard my pregnancies were, but I grew and learned so much from them.  I am a stronger person, a better mother, and a better wife because of my life experiences.  God blessed us with 4 beautiful children, Lauren, Jackson, Ava, and our angel baby Beckam. We miss him and think of him everyday of our lives. 

Christmas

Christmas was great this year, but it was very obvious that Chief was not here.  I just don't feel complete when we are away from each other.  The family all came over to Mom and Tiny's house on Christmas Eve, and we opened presents.  We Skyped Chief in so that he could share in the chaos and fun!  We had great conversation, amazing food, and a wonderful time.


Christmas morning was wonderful as well.  The kids were so excited to see what Santa had brought them this year! We also Skyped in Chief, so he was able to share that time with us as well.  Mom made a breakfast casserole, we cooked all afternoon, and then we went to my Grandma's house later on in the day for Christmas dinner.

Miss Priss checking out her new Teacup Piggy

Jackson "fainting" after he got the Wii game he wanted from Santa

The day after Christmas, we picked up Mookier at the airport in Amarillo.  It was great to see her and have all of our kids under one roof again.  We spent the day at my brother and sister in law's house with my Dad that drove in from Elk City, OK.  We had prime rib, watched the kids play on the Kinect, and just visited all day.  It was a wonderful day as well.

Christmas Eve is especially hard for us since it is Beckam's Birthday and also the day he died.  It is hard to believe that it has been 7 years because it feels like yesterday.  The raw hurt is still there on this day every year, and I don't think it will ever go away.  I still "what if" myself, question God and his reasoning, and think about it every day of my life.

Today in church, I finally have let go of the "what ifs".  Nothing really stands out that caused this, but I started thinking about how selfish I am for questioning God!  Who am I to do this???  He sacrificed His Son for our eternal life.  Beckam was blessed to me for a short time, and God took him back to be with him.  We are so blessed that we were able to have 2 1/2 hours with him and on Christmas Eve. It only seems fitting if you think about it.  The Dr's kept telling us to prepare to lose both babies, but I knew in my heart that He would not do that to us.  We wanted those babies so much and had tried for so long for them.  I was meant to be a Mom, and I know He wanted me to be one as well.  By God's hand, my pregnancy continued against all odds.  When you have a greater than 97% chance of losing the other baby, you would think there really wasn't any hope to hold on to.  I pulled every hope and strength out of myself that night and had complete trust in God that He would save our Monkey Doodle that was still growing in my tummy.  When Monkey Doodle was born, they told us that he had a 80% chance of cerebral palsy, 100% chance of learning disabilities, would probably have horrible eyesight, and would be on the smaller side the rest of his life. Our tiny, wrinkly, beautiful boy had a long road ahead of him and a lot of obstacles to overcome.  We gave him over to God once again, and He again showed us His grace and love to us.  Monkey Doodle is now about to be 7 years old 1 month, and he has no physical or learning disabilities whatsoever, top in his class, and is in the 95% percentile for his height and 50% for his weight.  He is the size of an average 9 year old and reads at a 4 grade level!!!  It is quite obvious that he is a complete miracle and is destined for something special on this earth.  He has the sweetest and most gentle spirit, and everyone loves him. I truly think that God took Beckam from us to save Monkey Doodle.  He knew what He was doing, and I have no business questioning God.  He gave me exactly what I wanted!  I have the husband I always dreamed of, 4 beautiful kids even though one was not born to me and one is in heaven,  and an incredibly interesting and amazing life! I also have a family that loves me and a God that loves all of me, including my faults.

I look at our life, and we are incredibly blessed with amazing and healthy children, good health for us, amazing families, wonderful friends, a beautiful home, live in paradise at the moment, and have a wonderful career with steady pay.  God always provides even when we don't ask.  We always end up in the perfect house, the perfect jobs, and all around perfect situation for us.  

God is so good, so good all of the time.

Missing my Grandmother

I know I have been MIA for awhile, and it is for good reason.  My sweet, wonderful Grandmother passed away on August 24th after living for 86 years.  She has been very sick for quite a while, and I am so thankful that she is not in pain anymore.

She was such amazing person and woman.  I loved the quirkiness about her, her love for life, her love for her family, and her radiant personality.  She always made us laugh, she love Jesus, and she was a HUGE sports fan.

As soon as we found out, we got lucky and found SPACE A military C5 plane leaving Hawaii early Wednesday morning, the 25th.  It flew straight to San Antonio, and we arrived around 6:30 PM on Wednesday.  We jumped in a cab, rented a car, and drove 8 1/2 hours to Pampa.  We arrived around 4:30 in the morning on Thursday, and we were exhausted! Chief returned the rental car in at the Amarillo airport that afternoon. The funeral was scheduled for Saturday, and all of the family started arriving on Friday.

It was great to see cousins that I hadn't seen in 20 years!  We shared many stories about Grandmother and laughed until we cried.  It was great getting to spend time with them and my Dad.  My Dad is coming to visit us in Hawaii in a few weeks, and we cannot wait!  It will be his first visit here, and he deserves a vacation after the year he has had. 

Anyway, Chief rode back with my brother and his family to Amarillo to pick up ANOTHER rental car on Saturday night,  and we left Pampa on Sunday and drove to Stephenville to spend the day with Mookie.  She didn't get to attend the funeral because she was moving in to her dorm at Tarleton State University.  Her dorm is super cute and very very nice.  It is brand new!  It hurt my heart to leave her, and it was definitely not enough time spent with her.  We miss her so much and cannot wait to have her visit during her Christmas break. 

We then drove to Ft Worth and checked in to the Navy Lodging.  Chief drove to DFW airport to return the rental car and then my cousin, Ron, and his wife, Kim,  picked him up.  They brought Chief back to the lodge, and we got caught up on each other's lives.  We went to bed hoping to catch a flight on Monday morning in to North Island Navy Air Station/Coronado Island in San Diego.  We planned on catching a flight from there to Hickam AFB in Hawaii on Tuesday.  We woke up to news that our flight from Ft. Worth had been rescheduled for Tuesday, and the flight to Hawaii from San Diego was rescheduled for Saturday.  We stayed one more night in Fort Worth and caught a C40 Navy plane to North Island on Tuesday.  We rented another car when we arrived on North Island, (thank you Hertz), and drove to my other cousin's, Schaffer, house in Santee.  Him and his wife, Cindy, were gracious enough to let us stay with them until we could catch a flight back to Hawaii.  It had been awhile since I had seen Schaffer, and I hadn't even met Cindy yet! Monkey Doodle and Miss Priss LOVED playing with their cousin, Cody, while we stayed with them.

We found out that there was a C20G, Navy gulfstream IV flying out on Friday with 10 seats on it.  We were hoping and praying to get on that flight! Since we had a few days to explore San Diego, we decided on going to Sea World and San Diego Zoo.  I found a website, www.herosalute.com , that gave 4 FREE tickets once a year to Sea World for Chief being active duty Army.  We took advantage of that and had an amazing time!

Dolphin Show

 

Shamu Believe Show

Sea Lion Show & feeding exhibit

On Thursday, we went to the San Diego Zoo.  We found out that Chief's ticket was free for the zoo as well, and we bought discounted tickets for the rest of us from the Navy Base ITR.  We only spent a couple of hours there because we were all still exhausted from Sea World the day before. We still managed to walk 90% of the zoo in those two hours! 

After the zoo, we packed up and headed to the air terminal because we heard that our plane may be coming in a day earlier and we did not want to take a chance that we would miss it.  We spent about 3 hours talking to the terminal manager while he tried to track the plane.  We were told that our flight on Friday would probably be canceled, and the next flight to Hawaii would be Sunday.  We were completely devastated and started scrambling on trying to make other plans.  We had decided that we would drive 9 1/2 hours to Travis Air Force Base the next morning since they had flights heading to Hawaii on Saturday and Sunday.  The next morning we got up and headed to pick up a different rental car, but we decided to stop at the air terminal to make sure nothing had changed.  To our surprise, our flight was NOT canceled!  Approximately 30 people were waiting to get on that flight, but there were only 10 seats on a 19 seater.  We knew we had a good chance on getting on the flight because we were category III, and we had shipped 40 lbs of stuff home from our suitcases because there was a maximum weight limit of 20 lbs per person for the C20G, Gulf Stream IV.  When the plane arrived, they only had 5 seats available instead of the 10. Since we had left for an emergency funeral, that put us ahead of 1 other person, and we were chosen for the last 4 seats!  One guy was ahead of us, so we were so blessed to get on this flight!

We definitely rode in style on this plane, and it was an amazing 5 hour flight.  We had some beautiful scenery while in the air as well!

Look at the USS Arizona from this view

It is so good to be home! Every time we leave Hawaii, I feel the strong pull to get back as soon as possible.  I have come to realize that I truly love it here and feel like this is home.  

Thank you to everyone that said prayed for us over the past couple of weeks.  It was so comforting to know that we were being lifted up in prayer, and I truly know that the prayers and faith got us home.  I also know that I have a Grandmother Angel with me at all times now as well.

I made it without losing it!

I cannot believe it, but I made it through Christmas Eve without losing it.  Christmas Eve is a bitter sweet day for us because it is our oldest son's birthday and the anniversary of his death.  Beckam would be 6 years old if he was still on this earth, but he was just to small to live.  He was Monkey Doodle's twin that I delivered at 21 weeks 5 days on Christmas Eve 2003.  It is a definitely a rare occurrence that I delivered my twins almost 6 weeks apart, and we have less than a 3% chance of having Monkey Doodle to make it to viability.

I still have my bad days, but it has gotten better over the last 6 years.  We still miss his terribly and hang a picture ornament of him on our tree every year at the time of his birth, 6:44 PM eastern time.  He blessed us on this earth for 2 1/2 hours while Chief read him The Christmas Story, and I held him in my arms and studied his little face, hands, and feet.  He was perfect, but just tiny.  I put the phone up to his ear so my family could tell him that they loved him and would miss him since they could not be there when he was born.  I remember every detail of that night, every little wimper, and every little sound as painful and sweet as they are.  I would do anything to see my sweet Beckam just one more time.  I know I will see him in heaven one day, and I take comfort that he is with our Father, enjoying the wondrous place I long to see after I am no longer on this earth.

My favorite saying is this.....

Hug your children a little closer, play with them a little longer, let the little things slide, and celebrate life with them a little more because it can all change in the blink of an eye.

1 Corinthians 15:52:
⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

In the blink of an eye.....

Today, I received a phone call from my mom that sent me back in time almost 6 years. 6 years, really???   The raw pain I felt came rushing over me like it just happened yesterday.  Mom called to tell me that her close friend's 2 1/2 month old, healthy, beautiful little grandbaby passed away suddenly overnight in her crib. Immediately, I felt like someone put a knife in my heart. I have learned how to control that raw pain over the years, and I can block it out if I need to. If I didn't, I would be a blubbery mess every day of my life.   It hurts me to think of someone else going through the same excruciating pain of losing a child like we did.  I still hurt and think of Beckam every day, and I believe it will always be that way.  After each passing year, I definitely have more good days than bad, but I still have my moments where I want to kick and scream that my baby Beckam isn't on this earth with us.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I was combing his hair in the morning, helping him brush his teeth, walking him to school, watching him play with his brother and sister, seeing the joy and excitement in his eyes when he makes his first goal in soccer, watching his daddy teach him how to ride his bike without training wheels, etc.  I could go on and on, wish and wish, pray and pray, but nothing is going to change what has happened. For a long time, I second guessed everything I did during my pregnancy.  I shouldn't have worked so hard, I should have relaxed more, I should have gone in to the Dr. at the first twinge of pain. What could I have done differently?   After many years questioning every little detail, I have finally come to peace that everything happens for a reason. This was not my choice, but God's choice.  I celebrate and thank God every day that I do get to see his twin brother growing, learning, exploring, and living life to the fullest .  Beckam may have only been on this earth for 2 1/2 hours, but he touched and changed so many hearts and so many lives.   I know that holding that 11 oz, perfectly formed, beautiful baby boy changed me the minute I laid eyes on him.  I was finally a mother, my lifelong dream. He made me something and gave me something that no one could ever take away from me.

Jackson still talks about his brother, but he doesn't talk to him like he used to when he was little. He used to talk to "Bebum" in the mirror, when he played alone in his room, repeated his name over and over when he slept. He has told me that his brother Beckam plays and runs with him in his dreams, so that gives me comfort that they still have their connection.  I may still hurt and long for my baby boy, but at least I know that he is happy with his Father in Heaven, feels no pain, plays, sings, worships our Lord, and is looking down on us daily.  I do pray to God daily that no one has to feel the pain of losing a child, but I know in my heart that is not realistic.  I just want them to know that even though we hurt, cry, yearn, and long for our babies, at least we can take comfort that our babies do not feel pain, hurt, cry, and are happy and in the arms of our Father.

So, hug your children a little closer, play with them a little longer, let the little things slide, and celebrate life with them a little more because it can all change in the blink of an eye.

1 Corinthians 15:52:
⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

New Living Translation (NLT)

Welcome to my blog! I read quite a few blogs everyday, and I finally decided to start my own! I will be sharing snapshots of my life, and I hope that you will get something out of it like I hope to as well. After becoming an Army wife over 11 years ago, my life has been a roller coaster. From moving over 13 times, battling infertility, losing a child, having a preemie, battling my weight, dealing with deployments, and dealing with health issues, I have many stories to tell. So please sit back and enjoy the ride!