Evil 20!

I know many have heard me complain for awhile about these pesky 20 lbs that I cannot get rid of.  These
evil, stupid, annoying 20 lbs are the only thing standing in my way to make personal weight loss goal!  I have been maintaining my current weight for 1.5 years, and I thought my plastic surgery would get me closer to my goal.........


I WAS WRONG!


After my plastics, I had to lay around and pretty much do nothing for 6 weeks.  I didn't gain weight, but I definitely lost muscle.  Now, I am struggling to get that muscle back.  I am trying to stay under 1200 calories per day, get at least 80 grams of protein per day, drink at least 64 ounces of water per day, and working my A$$ off in the gym.  For the life of me, my weight will not budge.  I am beyond frustrated! My sleeve is still working, but I definitely can eat a lot more than I used to.  I am about to make an appointment with the weight loss Dr here in Hawaii because it is bothering me.  I am at a loss what to do, and I am struggling with my self image because of it.  I know I have come a long way and have lost a ton of weight, but I still see a fat girl in the mirror most of the time.  I still have quite a bit of swelling in my lower back right above my incision and in my belly, and it happens every day.  I was 11 months post op a couple of days ago, and I am shocked that I am still having so much swelling. I hope I can figure this out soon because I feel like I am going to go crazy!!!

Our roadways in life

I  found a conversation that was so intriguing on Obesityhelp.com today.  A lady was so upset about her naked pictures that she took of herself to send to plastic surgeons.  She couldn't believe that she really looked like that when she saw them because that is not what she sees in the mirror.  I know exactly how she feels because I did the same thing. I think we all do that from time to time.  It reminds me of going to Walmart and seeing people wearing some of the strangest, tightest, ugliest clothes you have ever seen!  They walk around like they are so beautiful, and you know they think they look good!  I always thought that those people must be crazy to wear something like that in public!  Then, I thought about how beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Anyway, back on track and stop being random here......I remember taking "those" pictures, and they were horrible!  I hated taking them, and I couldn't believe I actually looked liked that!  I saw that big and heavy girl again when I took mine, and I hated that the pictures made me feel that way.  Then, I decided that we are ALL in this and can all relate in some way. We all should be proud of ourselves for losing this much weight or what we have overcome!  I decided that my stretchmarks and wrinkles are just roadways of my life.  PCOS, having twins, obesity, having another baby, etc.  We should be proud of what we have achieved!  Now after looking at the pictures, it was time to try and do some roadwork on these crooked, beat up, and curvy roads. I just had my roads reconstructed, and Dr Sauceda, my construction worker, did help fix my body.  Is it perfect?  No, because it isn't a brand new body!  I still have stretch marks and still have fat, but I am much more improved!  I was shocked when I took some new pics this morning and realized that I was the person in those pictures! My perception of myself has changed again!   I have the cute belly button that isn't frowning anymore, I don't have rocks in socks hanging from my chest, and I don't look like someone sliced my butt off anymore!  This time around I am going to try and maintain my "roads" a little bit better, so I don't have to completely rebuild again. What matters most is that "I" think I am beautiful, and that is what is going to shine through even more in my inner self just as much as my outer self!

Not what I expected...

DISCLAIMER..... I am about to talk about some pretty girly and painful stuff, so just STOP right there if you don't want to read it.  If not, you are in for a pretty enlightening but painful story. 

I am pretty much packed, and now it is time to prep for surgery.  So, my "prepping" involved going to the salon today and getting ehhemm (clearing throat), waxed.  Yes, down there....all of it.

This was not my first time to hit the salon for this, but it was the first time in Hawaii.  It was not what I expected, and I found it to be very different than D.C.  I used to drive all the way in to D.C. in fear that I would run in to someone I knew personally, like one of my customers from work, and I really wanted to make sure I was not in my own neighborhood.  My wax lady in D.C. was nice, but there was no modesty involved with her.  She had me in all kinds of positions that I had no desire to do in front of a stranger or in front of anyone! I got a great wax at least!

My lady in Hawaii was great and really did everything possible to give me as much discreetness as you can get from a wax.  I have figured out a few tricks beforehand to help take away the wretched pain that I try to escape.  First, take some Tylenol or Motrin 30 minutes before.  Second, spend a few bucks to get a bottle of spray Bactine!  I spray myself down and rub it in about 10 minutes before I go in for the wax.  It has a numbing agent in it, and it will help take away the pain.

Ok, now time for the story and not what I expected..... My wax lady (that I will call Kat),  and I had a great conversation.  Yes, that is a little weird when someone is up close and personal to your tutu (that is what we call it with Ava) and inflicting pain on you at the same time.  I told her that I was prepping for my trip to Mexico, and of course I told her why I was going.  She was very intrigued after I told her that I had weight loss surgery, and I was on my way to Mexico to reconstruct my body.  Kat was a heavier set lady and had tried to get weight loss surgery as well.  She ran in to road blocks when they wanted her to lose a little weight to show she was committed.  Well, she lost about 80 lbs, and then went back to the Dr.  They told her that she lost too much weight and now she didn't qualify for the surgery! I started telling her about the Mexico programs and how great they are.  I had to reassure her that they are not "chop shops" like the movies portray them to be.  I ended up giving her names of some surgeons in Mexico and gave her my info on obesityhelp.com.

So, she helped me "prep", and I hopefully helped her on her next step to a new and healthier life! It is not what I expected to happen in a salon, in Hawaii, and getting my tutu waxed.  Ok, you all can laugh now!

Breaking down the walls...

Back in April, I had my 1 year anniversary of my weight loss surgery. On that day, I wrote a little something that I would like to share with you all. My family and very close friends have already seen it, and I am now ready to share it with everyone else. See, I used to be embarrassed that I had to have surgery because I couldn't lose this on my own. I have finally decided that letting that wall fall was so much easier than keeping it up! My surgeries were a tool that helped me lose weight, but I STILL had to put in a lot of hard work. ALOT! I was in the gym at least 6 days a week for hours at a time, still had to count and track my calories, had to resist the head hunger and tell myself that I was not hungry, and still be a mom, a wife, a bank manager, and all the other stuff life threw at me. Why in the heck should I be embarrassed about that???? I have accomplished so many things in the last 18 months! I have finally given myself permission to be PROUD of myself! After I finally have all of my plastic surgery, I think I will finally be able to breathe a little bit. I can really enjoy my new found life and body!

So, I hope this little note I wrote on my 1 year surgerversary will touch you and inspire you to change things in your life that you do not like.

One year ago today, I was the girl that was told she had pretty hair and eyes.

One year ago today, my legs and knees rubbed together when I walked.

One year ago today, I had a hard time trying to tie my shoes.

One year ago today, I couldn’t cross my legs.

One year ago today, I waddled when I walked.

One year ago today, I had to struggle to get myself off the floor.

One year ago today, I pretended I wasn't the biggest person in the room.

One year ago today, I couldn’t carry my kids to bed without becoming out of breath.

One year ago today, I was the person that everyone pitied when I came in to the room.

One year ago today, I weighed much more than my husband.

One year ago today, I couldn’t go up stairs without my knees hurting and becoming out of breath.

One year ago today, I had to wear big clothes to cover my fat.

One year ago today, I shopped in only 1 store.

One year ago today, I would never even consider living in Hawaii because of the way I looked.

One year ago today, I got overheated just getting ready to go to work.

One year ago today, I worried if I would drop food on my shirt because my belly and chest were in the way.

One year ago today, I could eat a large fast food value meal and still not be satisfied.

One year ago today, my kids could not get their arms around me to hug me.

One year ago today, I worried if I was too heavy to lay down with my kids in their beds.

One year ago today, my Dr. cared enough about me to save my life.

One year ago today, I was excited, scared, anxious, and ready to start my new journey.

One year ago today, I took the leap of faith to change my life forever.

One year ago today, I had hopes and dreams that are now a reality

Even though my journey is not over, I will never be the person I was, one year ago today