Our story of infertility, loss, and the birth of our babies

I am so sad for one of my best friends today because she lost her baby this morning at 8 weeks.  I know her pain, and he kills me to know that she had to experience the loss and pain of losing a child.  No words can comfort them right now, but I hope in time that it gets easier to accept and the pain dulls. 


I figured it was time to post our story from my other blog that I had regarding our infertility struggles, the loss of one of our children, and the birth of our other children.   Here is the link:


http://www.freewebs.com/thelightsivfbabies/index.htm



I still have good days and bad days regarding how hard my pregnancies were, but I grew and learned so much from them.  I am a stronger person, a better mother, and a better wife because of my life experiences.  God blessed us with 4 beautiful children, Lauren, Jackson, Ava, and our angel baby Beckam. We miss him and think of him everyday of our lives. 

Christmas

Christmas was great this year, but it was very obvious that Chief was not here.  I just don't feel complete when we are away from each other.  The family all came over to Mom and Tiny's house on Christmas Eve, and we opened presents.  We Skyped Chief in so that he could share in the chaos and fun!  We had great conversation, amazing food, and a wonderful time.


Christmas morning was wonderful as well.  The kids were so excited to see what Santa had brought them this year! We also Skyped in Chief, so he was able to share that time with us as well.  Mom made a breakfast casserole, we cooked all afternoon, and then we went to my Grandma's house later on in the day for Christmas dinner.

Miss Priss checking out her new Teacup Piggy

Jackson "fainting" after he got the Wii game he wanted from Santa

The day after Christmas, we picked up Mookier at the airport in Amarillo.  It was great to see her and have all of our kids under one roof again.  We spent the day at my brother and sister in law's house with my Dad that drove in from Elk City, OK.  We had prime rib, watched the kids play on the Kinect, and just visited all day.  It was a wonderful day as well.

Christmas Eve is especially hard for us since it is Beckam's Birthday and also the day he died.  It is hard to believe that it has been 7 years because it feels like yesterday.  The raw hurt is still there on this day every year, and I don't think it will ever go away.  I still "what if" myself, question God and his reasoning, and think about it every day of my life.

Today in church, I finally have let go of the "what ifs".  Nothing really stands out that caused this, but I started thinking about how selfish I am for questioning God!  Who am I to do this???  He sacrificed His Son for our eternal life.  Beckam was blessed to me for a short time, and God took him back to be with him.  We are so blessed that we were able to have 2 1/2 hours with him and on Christmas Eve. It only seems fitting if you think about it.  The Dr's kept telling us to prepare to lose both babies, but I knew in my heart that He would not do that to us.  We wanted those babies so much and had tried for so long for them.  I was meant to be a Mom, and I know He wanted me to be one as well.  By God's hand, my pregnancy continued against all odds.  When you have a greater than 97% chance of losing the other baby, you would think there really wasn't any hope to hold on to.  I pulled every hope and strength out of myself that night and had complete trust in God that He would save our Monkey Doodle that was still growing in my tummy.  When Monkey Doodle was born, they told us that he had a 80% chance of cerebral palsy, 100% chance of learning disabilities, would probably have horrible eyesight, and would be on the smaller side the rest of his life. Our tiny, wrinkly, beautiful boy had a long road ahead of him and a lot of obstacles to overcome.  We gave him over to God once again, and He again showed us His grace and love to us.  Monkey Doodle is now about to be 7 years old 1 month, and he has no physical or learning disabilities whatsoever, top in his class, and is in the 95% percentile for his height and 50% for his weight.  He is the size of an average 9 year old and reads at a 4 grade level!!!  It is quite obvious that he is a complete miracle and is destined for something special on this earth.  He has the sweetest and most gentle spirit, and everyone loves him. I truly think that God took Beckam from us to save Monkey Doodle.  He knew what He was doing, and I have no business questioning God.  He gave me exactly what I wanted!  I have the husband I always dreamed of, 4 beautiful kids even though one was not born to me and one is in heaven,  and an incredibly interesting and amazing life! I also have a family that loves me and a God that loves all of me, including my faults.

I look at our life, and we are incredibly blessed with amazing and healthy children, good health for us, amazing families, wonderful friends, a beautiful home, live in paradise at the moment, and have a wonderful career with steady pay.  God always provides even when we don't ask.  We always end up in the perfect house, the perfect jobs, and all around perfect situation for us.  

God is so good, so good all of the time.

Our miracle baby is 6!

It is hard to believe that our 27 weeker is 6 years old today. I remember every detail of that day....from the contractions, to driving 63 miles to the hospital in sleet and hoping we would not get stuck in DC traffic, feeling his little feet kicking the table while I was getting prepped for my C-section, getting stuck 4 times for my spinal, hearing the Dr's screaming at the top of their lungs that he was stuck and they needed the Chief of OB/GYN to come save him, listening to the NICU Dr's and nurses saying that he barely had a heart rate and wasn't breathing, hearing them say that he was alive and intubated, feeling the Dr's sew me up because the spinal wore off, and waking up in recovery hearing that they think they had damaged his liver and broken his arm during delivery.




Monkey Doodle, is 6 years old today and is the sweetest child you will ever meet. He has a way about him that makes everyone he comes in contact with fall completely in love with him. He started life on this earth also too early, on 02-03-04 at 11:11 am. He was born 13 weeks premature at 27 weeks gestation, but is completely without long term issues. Praise the Lord! We were given a less than 3% chance that he would live, and an 80% chance of having Cerebral Palsy and long term disabilities if he did live. He is over 4 foot tall already and is over the 95%ile for his height. By the charts, it looks like he will end up being around 6'2-6'3 when he reaches maturity. He is our miracle baby and by all odds should not be on this earth. He continues to amaze us every day with his intelligence, tenacity, and his precious heart.


Taken this morning before school. He informed me that he wanted a "fauxhawk", not a "mohawk". He told me that a mohawk is when you shave your head and a "fauxhawk" wasn't. He is so funny!


This child is meant to be on this earth, and his life has a purpose. Realistically, he should not be here, but God does perform miracles! He is living proof of that. Monkey Doodle has such a sweet and gentle spirit about him. Monkey Doodle started out wanting to be a Rockstar Astronaut when he grew up, but now he says he wants to be a Dr that takes care of sick babies like he was. He is always there to help his classmates when they are upset or in need of something. His teacher even sent me a note saying that she did not think there could be a sweeter boy than Monkey Doodle! He is a perfect student, best reader and student in his class, very rarely gets in trouble, feels very guilty if he does something wrong and ends up telling on himself, and loves God with all of his heart. He tells us that he is a good boy because Jesus is in his heart, and He helps him be a good boy because He is in there. He is such a prayer warrior too! He will be the first to ask to pray when we eat, tell me he needs to pray when he did something wrong, will pray for people when he thinks they need it, and has no inhibitions about praying in front a lot of people.

He is becoming quite the athlete too! He played soccer this past fall, and he scored a goal every game but 1! He is currently playing T-ball and is loving it. He is learning the fundamentals and doing better and better each practice and game. He is all about doing things right, so that can get in the way sometimes, but he comes out a winner in the end. He has a photographic memory, so he never forgets anything he learns and tells us stuff he did before he could even talk! He learned how to ride without training wheels this past summer, and now he is a pro. He still loves to ride his scooter, and now he is ready to move on to skate boarding! Lord, please help us and watch over him!

Thank you, Jesus, for blessing us with this amazing child!

I made it without losing it!

I cannot believe it, but I made it through Christmas Eve without losing it.  Christmas Eve is a bitter sweet day for us because it is our oldest son's birthday and the anniversary of his death.  Beckam would be 6 years old if he was still on this earth, but he was just to small to live.  He was Monkey Doodle's twin that I delivered at 21 weeks 5 days on Christmas Eve 2003.  It is a definitely a rare occurrence that I delivered my twins almost 6 weeks apart, and we have less than a 3% chance of having Monkey Doodle to make it to viability.

I still have my bad days, but it has gotten better over the last 6 years.  We still miss his terribly and hang a picture ornament of him on our tree every year at the time of his birth, 6:44 PM eastern time.  He blessed us on this earth for 2 1/2 hours while Chief read him The Christmas Story, and I held him in my arms and studied his little face, hands, and feet.  He was perfect, but just tiny.  I put the phone up to his ear so my family could tell him that they loved him and would miss him since they could not be there when he was born.  I remember every detail of that night, every little wimper, and every little sound as painful and sweet as they are.  I would do anything to see my sweet Beckam just one more time.  I know I will see him in heaven one day, and I take comfort that he is with our Father, enjoying the wondrous place I long to see after I am no longer on this earth.

My favorite saying is this.....

Hug your children a little closer, play with them a little longer, let the little things slide, and celebrate life with them a little more because it can all change in the blink of an eye.

1 Corinthians 15:52:
⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

In the blink of an eye.....

Today, I received a phone call from my mom that sent me back in time almost 6 years. 6 years, really???   The raw pain I felt came rushing over me like it just happened yesterday.  Mom called to tell me that her close friend's 2 1/2 month old, healthy, beautiful little grandbaby passed away suddenly overnight in her crib. Immediately, I felt like someone put a knife in my heart. I have learned how to control that raw pain over the years, and I can block it out if I need to. If I didn't, I would be a blubbery mess every day of my life.   It hurts me to think of someone else going through the same excruciating pain of losing a child like we did.  I still hurt and think of Beckam every day, and I believe it will always be that way.  After each passing year, I definitely have more good days than bad, but I still have my moments where I want to kick and scream that my baby Beckam isn't on this earth with us.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I was combing his hair in the morning, helping him brush his teeth, walking him to school, watching him play with his brother and sister, seeing the joy and excitement in his eyes when he makes his first goal in soccer, watching his daddy teach him how to ride his bike without training wheels, etc.  I could go on and on, wish and wish, pray and pray, but nothing is going to change what has happened. For a long time, I second guessed everything I did during my pregnancy.  I shouldn't have worked so hard, I should have relaxed more, I should have gone in to the Dr. at the first twinge of pain. What could I have done differently?   After many years questioning every little detail, I have finally come to peace that everything happens for a reason. This was not my choice, but God's choice.  I celebrate and thank God every day that I do get to see his twin brother growing, learning, exploring, and living life to the fullest .  Beckam may have only been on this earth for 2 1/2 hours, but he touched and changed so many hearts and so many lives.   I know that holding that 11 oz, perfectly formed, beautiful baby boy changed me the minute I laid eyes on him.  I was finally a mother, my lifelong dream. He made me something and gave me something that no one could ever take away from me.

Jackson still talks about his brother, but he doesn't talk to him like he used to when he was little. He used to talk to "Bebum" in the mirror, when he played alone in his room, repeated his name over and over when he slept. He has told me that his brother Beckam plays and runs with him in his dreams, so that gives me comfort that they still have their connection.  I may still hurt and long for my baby boy, but at least I know that he is happy with his Father in Heaven, feels no pain, plays, sings, worships our Lord, and is looking down on us daily.  I do pray to God daily that no one has to feel the pain of losing a child, but I know in my heart that is not realistic.  I just want them to know that even though we hurt, cry, yearn, and long for our babies, at least we can take comfort that our babies do not feel pain, hurt, cry, and are happy and in the arms of our Father.

So, hug your children a little closer, play with them a little longer, let the little things slide, and celebrate life with them a little more because it can all change in the blink of an eye.

1 Corinthians 15:52:
⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

New Living Translation (NLT)

The loves of my lives

• I am a 33 year old stay at home mom living in gorgeous Hawaii. First and foremost, I am a Christian, wife, and mother. I am a wife to Chief Warrant Officer 4 Light that has been in the Army for 22 years. We have been married for 11 years and have been thrown many curve balls during our marriage. But, with faith in our Lord and each other, we have always come out with a better understanding of each other and have a much stronger marriage because of it. My Chief is my rock and the love of my life. He has loved me unconditionally through good times and bad. He is such an amazing husband, father, and provider and I cannot imagine life without him.

We have 4 children that keep us on our toes. Lauren, AKA Mookie, is 17 and a senior in High School in Texas. She lives with her mother and is as beautiful and as smart as any girl could get. She excels in everything she does and is such a fantastic young woman.

Our child with wings, Beckam, is living in heaven with his Father. He was Jackson's twin that blessed this earth for 2 1/2 hours after being born 19 weeks premature. His little body was just too small, and he was just too precious to stay on this earth. He was born/died on Christmas Eve, 2003.



Jackson, AKA Monkey Doodle, is 5 1/2 years old and is the sweetest child you will ever meet. Jackson has a way about him that makes everyone he comes in contact with fall completely in love with him. He started life on this earth also too early, on 02-03-04 at 11:11 am. He was born 13 weeks premature at 27 weeks gestation, but is completely without long term issues. Praise the Lord! We were given a less than 3% chance that he would live, and an 80% chance of having Cerebral Palsy and long term disabilities if he did live. He is our miracle baby and by all odds should not be on this earth. He continues to amaze us every day with his intelligence, tenacity, and his precious heart.

Ava, AKA Miss Priss, is our almost 4 year old beautiful daughter. She is as girly as you can get! She keeps us on our toes with her diva qualities, but she is the sweetest little girl. She always has her baby, purse, and "jewelry" on. 

Welcome to my blog! I read quite a few blogs everyday, and I finally decided to start my own! I will be sharing snapshots of my life, and I hope that you will get something out of it like I hope to as well. After becoming an Army wife over 11 years ago, my life has been a roller coaster. From moving over 13 times, battling infertility, losing a child, having a preemie, battling my weight, dealing with deployments, and dealing with health issues, I have many stories to tell. So please sit back and enjoy the ride!