Our story of infertility, loss, and the birth of our babies

I am so sad for one of my best friends today because she lost her baby this morning at 8 weeks.  I know her pain, and he kills me to know that she had to experience the loss and pain of losing a child.  No words can comfort them right now, but I hope in time that it gets easier to accept and the pain dulls. 


I figured it was time to post our story from my other blog that I had regarding our infertility struggles, the loss of one of our children, and the birth of our other children.   Here is the link:


http://www.freewebs.com/thelightsivfbabies/index.htm



I still have good days and bad days regarding how hard my pregnancies were, but I grew and learned so much from them.  I am a stronger person, a better mother, and a better wife because of my life experiences.  God blessed us with 4 beautiful children, Lauren, Jackson, Ava, and our angel baby Beckam. We miss him and think of him everyday of our lives. 

Home Sweet Home

After a 14 hour trip on 3 different planes, we made it back to Hawaii Monday night.  Our friend, Yenny, picked us up at the airport that night, and it was great to see her!  We stepped off the plane and Miss Priss said, "ahhhh, it feels good to be warm again."  We had a great visit in Texas, but Hawaii is home now.  I could really see us never leaving here we love it so much now. 

As soon as we got home, I got the kids ready for bed. They were exhausted and went right to sleep.  It was way past their bedtime, and I knew they would not be able to go to school the next day due to jet lag and being so tired.  I immediately started unpacking after they went to bed and also started laundry.  I had us completely unpacked, laundry done, house cleaned,  and grocery shopping done within 20 hours of us being home.  I cannot tell you how wonderful our own beds felt, being back with Lucy and Sookie, seeing our Hawaii Ohana, and feeling the warm sun on our skin.  I had an internet buddy in town that was also a Dr Sauceda patient and was visiting Hawaii from Alaska. I met her and her husband at Duke's Canoe Club in Waikiki for lunch on Thursday, and we decided to go to the North Shore for some beach time that was very much needed.  We picked the kids up from school, got ready in a mad dash, and went to Shark's Cove for the afternoon.  It was so great to be laying on the beach again even though it was a chilly 75 degrees!  Ha Ha!  That is pretty chilly for Hawaii standards for the middle of the day!  We enjoyed a couple of hours there and then went to Ted's Bakery for a yummy dinner.  The kids got to bed about 20 minutes late, but we needed a beach day to cleanse our souls.  It is amazing how much stress is taken away by just laying on the beach and listening to the waves. 

We are planning to "spring clean" this weekend and declutter our house.  Saturday will be spent going through closets, toys, clothes, drawers, etc and ridding our house of unwanted stuff.  Sunday will be spent going to North Shore Christian Fellowship in Haleiwa and maybe some beach time.  I have to say I love our lives and wish that Chief was here too.  At least he is with us in spirit while he is in Iraq.

Paradise for another 3 years!

Chief and I have been praying about where we want to go next, and we really thought Germany was going to be our next duty station.  His branch had already said that it could happen but something just didn't feel completely right. During the holidays, Chief and I put a list together on what we wanted to do next that consisted of 5 different situations.

    1)      Germany USAREUR Staff or 21st TSC

    2)      Hawaii for 3 more years, would prefer to move into the USARPAC G4 job in Aug 2012 if current   CW5 does PCS.

   3)    1st SFG or 10th SFG 

4)      DC metro area. IE: Corps of Engineers, Belvoir, Pentagon, or Caisson Platoon

5)      Oregon, Washington State, or Colorado AC/RC

We reviewed it together and decided to sleep on it before he sent it out.  That next morning, we both told each other that we feel Hawaii for 3 more years is what felt right and to move it to #1.  It still amazes me to this day on how our hearts and brains work so in tuned with each others.  We both prayed about it and got our answer.  He sent the email off, and he got a response very quickly stating that Hawaii should work for 3 more years!  Choosing Hawaii does have some risks of another deployment, but it is a risk we are willing to take right now.  He emailed the other CW5 that is in the job that he would like to move to, and he emailed back stating that he did not plan on staying longer!  It looks like it will be a perfect transition in to that other job that does NOT deploy!  We will have to move on to Ft Shafter that is in the middle of the island, but we are ok with that.  The move would take place in Jun 2012, so the kids could finish the school year on Schofield Barracks, and they would start on Ft Shafter in August.  The school on Shafter is ranked much higher, so it is a good move for them.  Ft Shafter also has brand new housing that just opened 1 year ago, so we would move in to that.  We love our house on Schofield and hate to leave it, but the commute would not be fun for Chief at all.  It would be nothing like his commute in the DC area, but why commute if he doesn't have to.

So, I guess we are staying in Paradise until 2015!!!  We really do love it here, and the extra money that we receive is nice too.  This keeps the kids in a more stable environment, just a plane ride away from our families, beautiful weather ALL of the time, and us together as a family.  The nice thing is that the Army will pay to fly Mookie here once a year too for free since she is in college.....one more reason  to add to the list on why we should stay here!  We are hoping our best friends, The Jones Family blog , that are stationed in Georgia will decide to PCS here too, so we can all be together again.  I despise not being able to see them much, and we miss them constantly.  We are very lucky to have amazing friends here too that are trying to stay here for another 3 years too, but I wish we could all hang out together.  We already lost another set of BFF's, The McKinley Family blog this past summer when they moved to Ft Bragg, and we wish they would come back to Hawaii as well.  We really get used to losing friends to PCSing, but it is never fun and does not get any easier over the years.

New Year's Resolution

Many people set New Year's resolutions every year and never keep them.  They strive to do too much, put too much pressure on themselves, or flat out stop trying.  I listen to KLOVE all of the time, and they were asking people to just pick a one word resolution this year and see if that is easier.  As soon as I heard that, one word came to mind for me .............STRENGTH. That word means a lot to me in many different ways, emotionally and physically.

Strength to get through this deployment
Strength to hold down the household stuff
Strength to have patience with the kids when I am at my wits end
Strength for Chief and help him emotionally during this deployment
Strength to mend the kids' hearts when they are missing their Daddy and having a bad day
Strength physically and emotionally to lose this last 20 lbs
Strength in the gym to keep myself healthy
Strength to run my first 1/2 marathon
Build more Strength in my body physically
Strength to my faith to God and build myself more spiritually

I imagine more will come to mind over the next year, but this is what I have so far.  So, if I complete at least once of those, I will keep my New Year's resolution!

I hope other people decide to do a one word resolution this year.  I know I plan on keeping mine.

Mark 12:30 NIV
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength

Ephesians 6:10-12 Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of his might.

Happy New Year!!

I am a New Year's Eve baby, so everyone celebrates my birthday!  New Year's Eve was especially hard for me this year without Chief.  He always tries so hard to make my birthday special, and he did it again this year!  I received my favorite flowers the day before my birthday.

He also mailed me 2 handmade jewelry boxes that he bought in Iraq and a very sweet card.  Mom also ordered Egg Custard pie from Coney Island Cafe and made chili for everyone that evening.  My brother and his family, and my grandparents came over that night.  We all rang in the New Year together even though everyone was ready to go to bed BEFORE midnight.  We made it though, and we had a great time. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's~

Christmas

Christmas was great this year, but it was very obvious that Chief was not here.  I just don't feel complete when we are away from each other.  The family all came over to Mom and Tiny's house on Christmas Eve, and we opened presents.  We Skyped Chief in so that he could share in the chaos and fun!  We had great conversation, amazing food, and a wonderful time.


Christmas morning was wonderful as well.  The kids were so excited to see what Santa had brought them this year! We also Skyped in Chief, so he was able to share that time with us as well.  Mom made a breakfast casserole, we cooked all afternoon, and then we went to my Grandma's house later on in the day for Christmas dinner.

Miss Priss checking out her new Teacup Piggy

Jackson "fainting" after he got the Wii game he wanted from Santa

The day after Christmas, we picked up Mookier at the airport in Amarillo.  It was great to see her and have all of our kids under one roof again.  We spent the day at my brother and sister in law's house with my Dad that drove in from Elk City, OK.  We had prime rib, watched the kids play on the Kinect, and just visited all day.  It was a wonderful day as well.

Christmas Eve is especially hard for us since it is Beckam's Birthday and also the day he died.  It is hard to believe that it has been 7 years because it feels like yesterday.  The raw hurt is still there on this day every year, and I don't think it will ever go away.  I still "what if" myself, question God and his reasoning, and think about it every day of my life.

Today in church, I finally have let go of the "what ifs".  Nothing really stands out that caused this, but I started thinking about how selfish I am for questioning God!  Who am I to do this???  He sacrificed His Son for our eternal life.  Beckam was blessed to me for a short time, and God took him back to be with him.  We are so blessed that we were able to have 2 1/2 hours with him and on Christmas Eve. It only seems fitting if you think about it.  The Dr's kept telling us to prepare to lose both babies, but I knew in my heart that He would not do that to us.  We wanted those babies so much and had tried for so long for them.  I was meant to be a Mom, and I know He wanted me to be one as well.  By God's hand, my pregnancy continued against all odds.  When you have a greater than 97% chance of losing the other baby, you would think there really wasn't any hope to hold on to.  I pulled every hope and strength out of myself that night and had complete trust in God that He would save our Monkey Doodle that was still growing in my tummy.  When Monkey Doodle was born, they told us that he had a 80% chance of cerebral palsy, 100% chance of learning disabilities, would probably have horrible eyesight, and would be on the smaller side the rest of his life. Our tiny, wrinkly, beautiful boy had a long road ahead of him and a lot of obstacles to overcome.  We gave him over to God once again, and He again showed us His grace and love to us.  Monkey Doodle is now about to be 7 years old 1 month, and he has no physical or learning disabilities whatsoever, top in his class, and is in the 95% percentile for his height and 50% for his weight.  He is the size of an average 9 year old and reads at a 4 grade level!!!  It is quite obvious that he is a complete miracle and is destined for something special on this earth.  He has the sweetest and most gentle spirit, and everyone loves him. I truly think that God took Beckam from us to save Monkey Doodle.  He knew what He was doing, and I have no business questioning God.  He gave me exactly what I wanted!  I have the husband I always dreamed of, 4 beautiful kids even though one was not born to me and one is in heaven,  and an incredibly interesting and amazing life! I also have a family that loves me and a God that loves all of me, including my faults.

I look at our life, and we are incredibly blessed with amazing and healthy children, good health for us, amazing families, wonderful friends, a beautiful home, live in paradise at the moment, and have a wonderful career with steady pay.  God always provides even when we don't ask.  We always end up in the perfect house, the perfect jobs, and all around perfect situation for us.  

God is so good, so good all of the time.

Spinach Artichoke Dip with a twist

This has been a huge hit over the last few months, and I never end up with leftovers from it.  I hope you enjoy it as much as we do!

Ingredients

• 2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 1 (4.5 ounce) can chopped green chiles, drained
• 1 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 (12 ounce) jar marinated artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
• 1/4 cup chopped jalapeno peppers, seeded and deveined
• 1/2 bag of 10 oz fresh spinach, chopped

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Mix together the cream cheese and mayonnaise in a bowl until smooth. Stir in the green chiles, Parmesan cheese, artichokes, peppers, and spinach. Spoon the mixture into a baking dish.
3. Bake in preheated oven until slightly browned, about 30 to 45 minutes.

Hoping for a white Christmas!

Christmas plans have changed, and we are going to Texas for Christmas! It was quite a surprise, but we are very happy with the change!  It will make the time go by faster and help the hole in our hearts.  Chief is still doing fantastic, but his days are getting long. He just updated his blog today as well. www.livingthechieflife.blogspot.com We are in to our routine, and we have all adjusted quite well.  It has been a busy 2 weeks, and it is hard to believe it is mid December!  The kids have numerous activities going on at school....plays, speeches, school parties, birthday parties, winter concerts, etc.  I have been trying to get Christmas shopping completed, shopping for winter clothes, getting us packed, taking down our Christmas stuff, cleaning house, cooking, baking, laundry, wrapping presents, and taking care of the animals of course!  I am not sleeping well, so I take an occasional Advil PM to help me sleep at night.  I can't seem to turn off my brain because I have too much on my mind. 

We had exchanged Christmas presents this week with our Hawaii Ohana, and the kids also opened up their presents from my parents and a few from us.  Both kids got electric scooters and Nintendo DSi's.  They are over the moon about those! Monkey Doodle has already perfected his scooter skills, but Miss Priss is still working on balancing when it is going fast.  Here is a video of Monkey Doodle on his scooter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcskIz_3SE8

Don't ya just love the Hawaii weather in mid December?  I think I could stay here another 3 years!

Monkey Doodle also got a Paper Jam's Guitar and Miss Priss got a La La Loopsie Doll.  They love them as well! 

I just finished taking down all of our Christmas Decorations, and the house looks so bare now.  It was a lot of work (10 big boxes worth plus tree and decorations), and I sure missed Chief's help!  I did it though, and I feel very accomplished!  Ha! Well, I better get back to cleaning house because we leave tomorrow!

Dreaded Deployment

Well, Chief left almost 1 week ago.  Our lives have been turned completely upside down, but we are doing pretty good!  The first day was so hard, and I cannot remember the last time that I had a bad day like that.  I came home and did what I do best when I am upset.....I cleaned house.  Yep, I don't eat, but I vacuum, mop, change sheets, do laundry, make beds, and clean toilets. 

 

Chief and I took the kids to school that morning, and he said his goodbyes to them before school.  I am so glad that we made the decision to not take them to watch Chief get on the bus.  I was a wreck, my friends were crying, other wives were crying, and of course soldiers were upset.  Monkey Doodle is so sensitive , and his heart hurts whenever someone else's heart hurts. Anything we can do to protect their little hearts, we are going to do!

I couldn't take my hands off of him and just wanted to hold his hand and hold on for dear life!  After many kisses, hugs, and goodbyes, I watched him leave on the bus for the air terminal after about 2 1/2 hours of waiting.   My heart was in pieces, and I was barely holding it together. 

Thank goodness that our amazing friends asked us over for dinner that night to take our minds off of it.  I know it helped me and the kids.  The next day was a whole new day, and we had a really good one!  I am trying to keep the kids in a routine with a lot of structure, and it is working.  They truly have been angels, but Monkey Doodle is taking it the hardest.  He didn't get to say goodnight to Chief on Thursday night, and he cried himself to sleep that night.  I snuggled him and tucked him in, but I couldn't do anything to mend his heart that night.  He told me that he got up and turned on his air conditioner so I could not hear him crying because he didn't want me to cry too.  Bless his little heart!  Miss Priss misses Daddy mostly at night too because he was 90% in charge of their nightly rituals.  

 

Chief made it to Camp Liberty in about 30 hours, and he got settled in to his chu "trailer" pretty quick.  Being a CW5 has some major perks, and he has his own bathroom, cable, WIFI, and doesn't have to share a room with anyone.  He is right on "Z" lake and can even go fishing!  It is amazing how much has changed over the last few years and how many more luxuries they have now.  The guys that he is replacing left him with a refrigerator, microwave, TV, a wing back chair, and he is even getting a full size bed soon! We also set him up with Magic Jack, and I can call his room whenever I want!  It is a U.S. phone number, and it is only $20 a year. 

 

I talked Chief in to blogging about his adventure in Iraq over the next year, so here is the link www.livingthechieflife.blogspot.com if you would like to follow his story.

Finally, a promotion post!

 

After Chief coming up on the Chief Warrant Officer 5 list back in April, he finally got promoted on November 1st!  We had the ceremony at the Schofield Barracks Museum, and it was a complete downpour! 

It never rains that hard here in Hawaii, except for on that day! Thank goodness we had a canopy to put up! Chief has worked so hard during his 23 years in the Army and 15 years as a warrant officer to get to this moment. Not many see CW5, and he deserved every dot!

 

As soon as it was over the sun came out, and it was beautiful! Standing in the rain did wreck my hair and makeup.

 

  We had about 75 people show up, and 50 came down to the house for the reception afterward.  

 

The big party was a few days later, and it was CRAZY fun!  Everyone had way too much fun, believe me! I made 40 lbs of Kalua Pork & Cabbage, 5 lbs of Macaroni Salad, 10 Chocolate Haupia Pies, and lots of appetizers as well.  We also had friends bring sides and appetizers as well, so we had lots of food.  We had quite of bit of spirits to keep the night going as well, and that made for an interesting night!   I think I will save those pictures for a different time!  

We are all so proud of our Chief for his last promotion that he will ever have.  We are also enjoying the preferred parking at the PX and Commissary!  :)