In the blink of an eye.....

Today, I received a phone call from my mom that sent me back in time almost 6 years. 6 years, really???   The raw pain I felt came rushing over me like it just happened yesterday.  Mom called to tell me that her close friend's 2 1/2 month old, healthy, beautiful little grandbaby passed away suddenly overnight in her crib. Immediately, I felt like someone put a knife in my heart. I have learned how to control that raw pain over the years, and I can block it out if I need to. If I didn't, I would be a blubbery mess every day of my life.   It hurts me to think of someone else going through the same excruciating pain of losing a child like we did.  I still hurt and think of Beckam every day, and I believe it will always be that way.  After each passing year, I definitely have more good days than bad, but I still have my moments where I want to kick and scream that my baby Beckam isn't on this earth with us.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I was combing his hair in the morning, helping him brush his teeth, walking him to school, watching him play with his brother and sister, seeing the joy and excitement in his eyes when he makes his first goal in soccer, watching his daddy teach him how to ride his bike without training wheels, etc.  I could go on and on, wish and wish, pray and pray, but nothing is going to change what has happened. For a long time, I second guessed everything I did during my pregnancy.  I shouldn't have worked so hard, I should have relaxed more, I should have gone in to the Dr. at the first twinge of pain. What could I have done differently?   After many years questioning every little detail, I have finally come to peace that everything happens for a reason. This was not my choice, but God's choice.  I celebrate and thank God every day that I do get to see his twin brother growing, learning, exploring, and living life to the fullest .  Beckam may have only been on this earth for 2 1/2 hours, but he touched and changed so many hearts and so many lives.   I know that holding that 11 oz, perfectly formed, beautiful baby boy changed me the minute I laid eyes on him.  I was finally a mother, my lifelong dream. He made me something and gave me something that no one could ever take away from me.

Jackson still talks about his brother, but he doesn't talk to him like he used to when he was little. He used to talk to "Bebum" in the mirror, when he played alone in his room, repeated his name over and over when he slept. He has told me that his brother Beckam plays and runs with him in his dreams, so that gives me comfort that they still have their connection.  I may still hurt and long for my baby boy, but at least I know that he is happy with his Father in Heaven, feels no pain, plays, sings, worships our Lord, and is looking down on us daily.  I do pray to God daily that no one has to feel the pain of losing a child, but I know in my heart that is not realistic.  I just want them to know that even though we hurt, cry, yearn, and long for our babies, at least we can take comfort that our babies do not feel pain, hurt, cry, and are happy and in the arms of our Father.

So, hug your children a little closer, play with them a little longer, let the little things slide, and celebrate life with them a little more because it can all change in the blink of an eye.

1 Corinthians 15:52:
⁵² It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed.

New Living Translation (NLT)